//.she died long ago deep down inside.

2007-09-02T17:08:00.000+08:00

lalalaa..

2007-08-23T00:05:00.000+08:00

all i ever wanted.
but u realize things don't work out.
they don't.
they never do.
fuck.

changes.

2007-07-24T12:23:00.000+08:00

a lot of changes are happening..my last week of work before i decide whether or not to sign on another contract..sch's starting like next week..the series of things to read up..to settle..blah blah blah..and my sis's father-in-law's condition..and so on. oh well..just hope for the best. a lot of things are settled..finally feeling kinda better with all the nonsense that i shouldn't even be bothering about in the first place. oh wells..need to get ready to go out.

realization

2007-07-16T17:37:00.000+08:00

there are a lot of times in ur life that u are struck with realizations. it can be the realizations of happiness. of truth. of lies. of faith. it can also be the realization of the bleakness and darkness of human nature. sometimes u just find that as hard as u try to believe, to keep the faith, u really cannot. because people and things failed u. repeatedly. but what remains as true as that will be the fact that we never stop hoping, we never stop believing, even if we thought we have. but somehow u just wonder about love. if we claim to love each other so much at one point in time, what has caused that love to fade? what has caused that love to become just another passing phase in our lives? how can we bring ourselves to hurt the very person that we used to love with all our hearts and who meant everything to us? the answer may be a simple one, that we never really loved him/her with all our hearts and he/she never meant the world to us. but the answer may also be a complicated one. sheesh..i'm being melancholic and all all over again huh. it's just some thought i have because of what i witnessed happening to the people around me. i guess we are all essentially selfish afterall.

well..now about my life. haha..been quite tired recently..still not able to sleep properly sometimes..think i really need to adjust my body clock back to 'normal' and not nocturnal. oh well. guess i'll see about my contract timings and all when i get my timetable..but..i gotta get past the problem of module bidding first. *sigH* *big sigH* anyways mein was telling me she was contemplating reapply the following year cos she feels really uncomfortable about the prospect of going into the course this year and all alone and so on. well..i really think she shouldn't do it. and i guess by now she should've made up her mind..will ask her about it later. i hope she decides to go ahead with entering uni this year. haven't been meeting celeste and joyce for a looooong looooong time. both of them are like soooooo busy. oh wells. not like i'm that free too. but sometimes i just feel so tired that i need some time by myself just doing nothing but slack..eat..watch tv..sleep..and yeah u get the picture.
kok peng didn't come to work yesterday..ah min and jieying were on standby. so technically i was left all alone at work..well at least iqbal sat beside me and i kept disturbing and then siti came to work and then it was quite fun. haha..somehow..i've found some great fun being with siti..she's just so..i don't know what u call it. kinda quarrelled with my sis yesterday..guess she has a lot of things on her mind..with her father-in-law and everything..and i wasn't exactly in a very stable mood either. but i guess what i can say now is that everything in my mind is sorta sorted out already. i kinda regretted what i did cos it's really darn stupid..but at the very least i realize that it's stupid and i finally know for myself what is it really all about. sorry to kok peng about all the times i bugged him till like 4 5am when he gotta wake up at 5.45am in the morning. yes i am such an evil person.
actually..kok peng and i are 2 very very different people. different background..different groups of friends..different thinking..different in every aspect possible. it's as if we are opposites. if not for the fact that we work in the same company, i guess i would never have met someone like him at this point in my life. well, the same goes for a lot of people in the company. but i guess somehow i'm the closest to him out of all those very very different people. ah min, jieying, siti and all are like similar to me at least..but not kok peng. and ever since the first few times i've spoken to him, i have a strong feeling that i want him to be happy. like..i don't know. he always gives me the kinda feeling that he is not very happy at this point in time. and i really just want him to be happy.
anyways..whee!!! gonna go shopping with jieying on wed..and then go IKEA with siti next tues!! =)

question

2007-07-04T19:02:00.000+08:00

question.
how many times can ur heart break?
maybe the answer is infinite.
how about how many times can ur heart break before the pieces of ur heart are too small to be breakable anymore?
question. how many times can ur heart break, really?

sheesh

2007-07-04T15:12:00.000+08:00

feeling damn tired. i don't know if i've been sleeping a lot or not. but it just feels like no amount of sleep can ease my fatigue. and it's not as if i fall asleep easily nowadays. sometimes it takes minutes..sometimes it takes hours..literally. been feeling quite sian about school starting. i mean like..oh gosh it's in 4 weeks?!?!
anyways..went shopping with ah min yesterday..by right supposed to go out with jieying..but she has some project thing to do..need to meet her evaluator at like 3.30pm today. so..not going out with her anymore. haha..last night i ended up replacing jon when i thought i was replacing regina..and then i'm replacing yi-gang tonight. sheesh..yi-gang better replace me when i need him to next time. i'm like so so so tired. hahaa..and i left my hair clip in firdaus' jacket pocket..took out it and tied up my hair using rubber band..den put inside..forgot to take out when i knocked off and returned the jacket to him. anyways..bought pretty a lot of stuff yesterday..feeling happy about it..but i'm still tired. haha..can't imagine going for tuition tomorrow. but well..at least it's english for the yishun boy and english and math for the..woodlands siblings. i don't think i wanna continue with the yishun boy. i'm very very tired. like what's the point of working so much and making myself feel so tired right. and gotta go out with my sis tml to get some stuff..think she's going town. oh wells.
i need to get a sweater..a digital watch..and a pair of sneakers..but i've got no $$ no $$. will be getting 75 bucks from the yishun tuition tml..and next week 165 bucks from the woodlands ppl..after which it'll be another 1 month before i get the rightly 150 bucks and 330 bucks from them..i'm thinking..should i continue with both assignments not..oh well..see how things go.

back

2007-07-02T15:06:00.000+08:00

okiez. i'm finally back. i'm gonna update my blog from now on. cos my computer can load the damned page now. whee!!! even if nobody reads it, it's ok. hahaha.

so..i'm still working at the same place after more than half a year..and im like teaching tuition..found great frens tt i've never known in jc..and also found them at work. hahaha..like my ah min..and jieying..oh wells. had some gathering with 402 and og20 the past 3 weeks. 402 1 was like..seriously..i don't wanna comment. just felt tt i shld've gone to work afterall. ha! and og20 was fine i guess. haven't really been working on sats. missed 3 sats and 1 fri already. it actually kinda feels good..though kinda lost. cos i can't remember the last time i'm not working on a fri/sat before this to tell the truth. it's just some kinda routine that i'm continuing with this.

and 1 more thing. i love meiN! hahahah..i don't know..i guess i got to know her through hongyi..but somehow i just became close to her as time passes. oh well. =)

school's starting soon!! 6 aug!! but i'm not exactly very excited about it actually. i missed the business sch camp cos it was like on the 19th june..too soon for me to get into this camping and enthu mood. to tell the truth i really can't be bothered. so i guess i'll just be present during the orientation and see how things go..even though i'll be like alone. hahaa..oh well..we all make friends..right? i sure hope so. heard from joanna that hann's going a med school in KL..cool! i guess everyone in class are going separate ways..except for those going smu biz. they'll more or less be stucked together i think. hmmms..let's hope for the best for uni!! =)

well..let me drag on a bit more..i really haven't been updating this place. the past 6 months..have been like pretty fun actually. even though it's all work and all..but i've met so many people i would otherwise not meet..and experience a lot of things that i know i never will had i not worked. it's like..u just meet so many people who are very different from u and the friends around u. and sometimes u wonder about a lot of things..and u think about who is to judge who is right who is wrong and is there even a 'supposed to be' thing. alrights..i'll end with a pic from the og20 gathering okiez.

2007-04-17T23:02:00.000+08:00

Waiter: a person who waits or awaits.

Is a waiter called a waiter solely because he waits for people or waits on people. Or is he called a waiter because he makes people wait for him too.

Going by that definition, everyone’s a waiter too. We wait. We make people wait for us.

Sometimes it hurts to wait.

Does it hurt to make people wait?

testing

2007-02-13T00:15:00.000+08:00

hello hello!!

work

2006-12-23T21:58:00.000+08:00

ok. i found a job over a week ago. thanks to hann. yupp. so now..i aint got a life. because..my schedule now:
off day - sleep for the entire day
work day - work for the entire day
yupp. lalala..oh well but at least i kinda enjoy my job. and anyways..i'm gonna like work tml..which is christmas eve..mon..which is christmas..and tues..which is boxing day. whoa. nice. hahaa..oh well..kinda quarrelled with jun wei over st john. what can i say. i don't feel that i'm in the wrong. so i'm not gonna bother about it. yupp.

search

2006-12-08T00:39:00.000+08:00

is this what i've always been looking for? what is this? maybe it was never over to begin with.

2006-12-03T21:36:00.000+08:00

yupp. As are over. for quite a while already. it feels weird sitting around at home doing nothing and not having to feel guilty about not mugging, not completing tutorials and all. no more factory uniform. no more yio chu kang. but there's no excitement. neither is there elation. instead, i feel kinda empty. i don't know. it feels damn weird. and somehow i hate the thought of having to go to prom. it's like..all this hoo ha for nothing. like really, what's the big deal? i don't even like dolling up and all. oh well. anyway i've bought the ticket. may as well just go since my sec sch prom got cancelled huh. wonder when am i gonna find some purpose. wonder where will i end up in eventually. what will i end up doing. who will i end up meeting. oh well..it's all too early anyway. i bet those markers haven't even marked our papers. just hope for the best.
i wanna get a job!!! argh. oh and i highlighted my hair. the colour only becomes obvious under light..i wonder if that's good or bad. but anyways i like the colour so, heck. probably gonna turn up for st john tomorrow. haven't been seeing them and all. but don't think i'll stay throughout. not like i have a lot of things to do with the comp teams anyway. but gonna wear jeans and shoes. oh well. talk about the dumb rules. read ha jin's 'war trash'. wahhh..i so LOVE the book. it's so brilliant!!!

2006-10-07T00:17:00.000+08:00

i wonder what's the occasion today to call for an intensifying of the burning of the forests in indonesia. suddenly it seems as if we're in the twilight zone and we can't see clearly. the bloody haze is choking me. and for some reason it's getting worse and worse and it's damn bad tonight. wth. it's giving mi a killer headache and hurting my eyes.

damn.

2006-09-25T10:23:00.000+08:00

ok. great. prelims are over and i'm not using the computer. i've worked off my addiction of the lure of the world wide web or i've found another new addiction, say mugging? no. no. no. cos my beloved computer is down. for some reason, on the eve of the last of my prelim papers, it died on my sister. after 2hrs of work, my sis managed to resuscitate it. and we thought everything was fine. after my paper, i came home at 8+pm and tried to use the computer. of cos, it was plunged back into unconsciousness. any effort on my part did not, in any way, summon a response from it. so, home came my sis on thursday afternoon. after 3 hrs of toiling, hooray the computer was revived yet again by the ICU nurse. but subsequently, immediately after switching the computer off, it was pronounced dead. never to be revived again. damn. talk about luck. or as yong chuen says it's supposed to be a blessing in disguise. so i can concentrate on mugging. sure. RIGHT. damn it. what the hell is the world coming to?!?!?!
oh and on a final note, i sprained my ankle. yes. again. when i was alighting from the bus. woah. what luck.

stars and boulevards

2006-08-30T19:05:00.000+08:00

Augustana - Stars & Boulevards

Wait, dear
A white horse is walking down my street here
Your words are creeping at my feet I fear
That sunrise will come too soon and you'll disappear
To the haze of a city and yourself
Oh no...

Look out
They're coming after us with big guns
They're only going to tell you all the bad things I've done
And even if the words they say aren't true they've won
Now I'm left here dying in the sun
Oh...

Seems like I'm always on my own...
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Ain't close enough for you

Late nights
Won't do me justice
When I drink
Just get so damn depressed
And it's, it's not like
I ain't trying to get over you
It's just hard to look at all the
Seasons pass me all the time
And I said

Oh...
Seems like I'm always on my own...
Seems like I'm never coming home...
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Ain't close enough for you

One last
Phone call from you
It wouldn't hurt much
I'd just like to hear your voice
And pretend to touch
Any inch of you that hasn’t
Said it all or read it all..
I sung my life away
And I say..

Oh...
Seems like I'm always on my own...
Seems like I'm never coming home
Seems like I'm always on my own...
All the stars and boulevards
Aren't close enough for you
(Seem like I'm always on my own)
All the stars and boulevards
Aren't close enough for you
(Seem like I'm never coming home)
All the stars and boulevards
Aren't close enough for you
(Seem like I'm always on my own)
All the stars and boulevards
Aren't close enough for you

haha..seems like i'm augustana mad huh..but this song's so so so nice tooo. haven't been able to get myself down to mugging for my prelims. yepp. even though it's like less than 2 weeks away. there doesn't seem to be any sense of urgency. yeah i'm scared. but it just ends there. seems like my sensory and motor neurones are working but not my effectors. ha. teachers day celebration tomorrow. gonna pon aj..as usual..and meet sam in the morning. oh well..come to think of it..if not for the fact that i'm gonna meet her..i'm probably not gonna pon school. anyway it gives me something to do. not to mention i haven't seen her in quite a while.

finished this book a few days ago. 'the memory of running'. it left me speechless..and sorta thoughtless. cause it makes me think and feel so much that suddenly i don't know what to think or feel. going on the journey with smithson ide to rediscover his past and memories of his elder sister..his journey back to life..to living once again..and just to experience him waking up and reliving everything is just so..gosh. haha. after reading the kite runner..i'm kinda hooked onto this kinda books. about life and all that crap. why? i don't know. perhaps i just want something, or somebody, to tell me what life is about. it's a kind of reassurance. that ultimately u'll have some kinda realization.

u know..i realize if there's one thing i'm good at, that's running away. be it consciously or unconsciously. i run away. whether it's by rationalizing or intellectualizing. by telling myself it's a fact. period. the story ends there. as muh as i know it doesn't, as much as i know there are more than facts involved. but i don't give a damn. or rather, i don't want to. yeah i know. everyone runs away. perhaps. there are just so many things i don't wanna deal with. and i don't know why i'm saying all these either.

ha. enjoy the halfday tomorrow. and for those mugging for prelims..good luck. that's including myself.

boston.

2006-08-25T19:45:00.000+08:00

Augustana - Boston

In the light of the sun
Is there anyone, ohh it has begun
O dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed this world you must have crossed you said
You don' know me, and you don't even care
ooo yea
She said you don't know me, and you don't wear my chains ooo yea

Essential yet appealed
Carry all your thoughts, across an open field
When the flowers gaze at you
they're not the only ones who cry when they see you
You said you don't know me, and you don't even care
ooo yea
And she said you don't know me, and you don't wear my
chains
ooo yea

She said I think I'm going to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
No one knows my name
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover
I'll fly them out to Spain

I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town to leave this all behind
I think I need a sun rise
I'm tired of the sun set
Here it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice
Ooo yea

You don't know me
And you don't even care
Ooo yea

In Boston! No one knows my name
Yeaaa
No one knows my name
No one knows my name

In Boston no one knows my name

haha..i think i need a sunrise too. anyways..officially over it. yupp. and i'm starting to panic cos i haven't started hitting the books. or rather, the notes. nor the practices. think i'm dead. less than 3 weeks.

gosh

2006-08-13T03:47:00.000+08:00

gosh..i love xin jie. arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr for the first time in my life i'm so touched that i cried. twice. and i thought that'll never happen.

celeste's blog.

2006-08-10T20:41:00.000+08:00

for the first time in a long time..i took a look at celeste's blog. as i read the recent entries, feelings of guilt..deja vu and heartache strucked me. as i read on and on..about her sorrow..her pretence..the screen got clouded over. i don't know why. i feel guilty. that i hadn't been there for her. that i didn't bother to ask her about it. i feel her heartache. i really do. perhaps afterall, i really haven't gotten over it. each time i think about it..each time eleanor reminds me of it..each time i see it..my vision dazzled. the next thing i know i can feel my eyes turn sour. stop pretending. stop erasing all those memories. at the end of the day..it all comes back to u. u know it. it's not that u don't remember. it's just that u refuse to remember. it's as simple as that. it's not that u're ok. it's just that u want to be ok. it's not that u don't feel it. it's just that u refuse to acknowledge it. gosh. who am i telling this to?
it's over. it's over. it's over. it's ok. it's ok. it's ok. it's really ok.
"a lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Lenin
"repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." Franklin Roosevelt
which is it?

2006-08-08T22:24:00.000+08:00

woo. it's national day celebration today. haha..everyone turned up in red and white....ok not everyone. most. it was ok lar..watched the performances..blah blah blah..took photos and went home. ok i went home to sleep before meeting joyce at mac's. i postponed it to 2pm cos i wanted to sleep. but i overslept and was late. ok anyway, i discovered that i've got conjunctivitis yesterday -_-" for some unknown reason. probably just my luck. haha..oh and the OCIP board is completed! yay!~
hmm..juz a random thought. if we were told that we would die tomorrow. how many can continue to do what they've always done without regrets? much of what we've been doing all our lives is for the long term. for our future. what if..there's no long run? what if..there's no future? bah.
been thinking about all the people i've known. the people i was once so close to. the people i wanted to be close to. the people i've loved. the people i've hated. the people i still love. the people i still can't tolerate. we all thought that things will never change. or at least at some point in time we did. but things changed and when we look back on it, we wonder, what happened? why did what seemed to be forever suddenly became ephemeral?
i sound weird. ok anyway..i'm off to mug. ha. happy mugging. even though it's national day soon.

things happen for a reason

2006-08-03T20:03:00.000+08:00

always believe that things happen for a reason.
u'll feel better that way.

st john rod

2006-07-29T19:09:00.000+08:00

it's the sec 4s' rod today. marks the end of their journey in bukit panjang combined corp. and i forgot about it. probably because no one reminded me..because no one mentioned it..because mingwei told mi it was the end of august..or perhaps because i didnt bother as much as i should have. looking at the sec 4s of today, the sec 2s of yesterday, now handing over everything to the sec 1s of yesterday just made me wonder about these 6 years of my life..and the past 2 years in in particular. and i felt like i've failed. i've failed in my capacity as an instructor. i've always believed in letting them know what's supposed to be done and leave them to do it. give them room to do things the way they think is right, the things they think is right. i don't wanna be there to dictate and prescribe their every move simply because i don't wanna cultivate a group of followers. followers of instructors..of officers..of teachers-in-charge..of rules..with no room for negotiation. i wanted to let them fall..to teach them how to get up..let them err..to teach them what is correct. the most memorable lessons are only when u tried and failed and u realize what's wrong. i don't wanna let them have me to fall back on when things go wrong..to have me to blame..to depend on me. because they should be depending on themselves. it's only when u make mistakes that u learn. it's only when u depend on yourself that u learn to cope. perhaps i started out with these intentions but that didn't really work out. maybe it's because i really didn't have much time with them..maybe because i didn't put in extra effort the way audrey does. she's always tried to shelter them..for reasons that're unknown to me. she provides them everything they need to know to do things 'right'. she tries so hard to bond with them. i don't. i never saw the need to. but now, for some reason, as this chapter of my life really closes, together with the rod of the sec 4s, i start to look back and reflect on all these things i've done. have i done enough? have i done right? have i failed in my role? i don't know. i look at all my cadets and think of all the times i've spent with them. all the things i tried to do. did i do the best that i could? i don't know. i never intended to wanna walk through all my cadets' 4 years of life in st john. but i found myself doing that. now that i've decided i don't wanna do that anymore, i can't do that anymore, i don't know what to feel anymore. i don't give a damn if they like audrey more. i don't give a damn about how much audrey tries. i don't give a damn about how i've never really become their friend. but what i give a damn about is, have i wasted these 2 years thinking i'm doing something but actually did nothing? have i really led them well? i wish i could be like jinlian. she could juggle the corp and earn everyone's, ok most people's, respect. she commands attention. she is capable. but yet, i didn't like her. because despite all these, the underlying reason why i couldn't respect her is her lack of openness..her lack of giving us room..her lack of giving us the benefit of the doubt. but then again, the irony is, that's how she succeeded in leading the corp.

2006-07-27T19:25:00.000+08:00

ok so it's been a loooong loooong time. meanwhile..i've gotten back my mid years. BEBE. ha. yes yes..tonnes of people are telling me that that's quite a good grade while tonnes of people are asking me why is my results so unbalanced. yeah. right. as if i'll know why. all of a sudden i feel like there's no time life. it's the first time in my life i felt like that. weeks just zoom past me. yeah i certainly don't look like i'm stressed. just like a thief'll look like one. i'm trying to be calm..take 1 step at a time..and all that shit. but hell it isn't working. and i'm so tired. day in day out i just feel so exhausted. i know. i don't stay up all that late. i don't do that much work. but i still feel so fatigued. i've got a maths test tomorrow. trigo and vectors. yeah it's just 2 chapters but it's freaking me out. looking at how they download questions and do them is freaking me out too. man..this is unprecedented.
u know..all of a sudden i feel so far away from xin jie. i don't know why. i felt so peripheral, like wat selina was saying, today. was with sarah tham..xin jie..and xin jie's friend. just felt like i was..marginalized. i've no idea what they were talking about, and i don't have anything witty to say..almost all of the time, i'm not interesting..blah blah blah. i shouldn't kick a big fuss out of it. but it just bothers me. oh well.
and i'm sick of alison. i'm sick of his attitude. if he's not gonna say anything, he can just go to hell.
oh well..tell myself i can do it..i can do it..i can get at least 3 As..
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

"somewhere in this darkness i'm alive but i'm alone. part of me is fighting this. part of me is gone."

2006-07-10T19:07:00.000+08:00

ok..let's seee..haven't been updating. haha..so the mid years have been over..for like more than 1 week. needless to say it sucked. well..for some reason i managed to get so low a grade for math. i knew i was not gonna do well but i didn't expect to do this badly though. oh well..shows i've got a long way to go for revising math. hmm..and bio..it was ok. i didn't do badly. yeah..so i guess it's a good thing i decided to take bio even though it kinda sucks to study for it..memorizing all the damned processes that goes on and everything. term 3 has started. and we gotta write our school graduation cert. have no idea what to write..but guess i'll make it up when the time comes. it's already the 10th. oh man. i'm totally not prepared for anything. sometimes i wonder whatever happened to my math..it's like..i don't know what happened to it after coming to jc.
anyways..just gotta mug ba. looking forward to the days after As..when u really don't have to bother about anything much except well..ur results..but then that's already set. i wish there's something i'm really good at. be it musical instrument..skill..sports..or whatever. just feel like i don't have a life..all i know is how to study. bah.

2006-07-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

點了最後一支香煙
拿著準備好的行李
好想打個電話給妳卻沒有勇氣
多麼期待妳會再打來
叫我別走　妳的最愛　不必悲哀
電話沒響所有一切都一樣

＊還記得我們的承諾　總想起妳說過愛我　
自暴自棄也沒有用　難到我真的想不通　
雖然傷口越來越痛　感覺呼吸越來越重　
不會再　停著一直做夢　
哭也沒用　忍著傷痛　Yeah 　

離開妳我真的痛　妳不知道　妳不知道　
哭著　看著妳　離開我　
妳看不到　妳聽不到　
為甚麼　為甚麼　要離去　
為甚麼　為甚麼　再相遇　
已變成　陌生人＊

看著我們當天的那照片
當天我們的記念
那灰藍的天　又再回到從前
躺在我的懷裡看夕陽
妳說希望永遠都一樣
不管怎樣不停回想
結局過後　還能怎樣

REPEAT＊

多麼期待妳會再打來
躺在我的懷裡看夕陽
妳說希望永遠都一樣
多麼期待妳會再打來
雖然傷口越來越痛　感覺呼吸越來越重

離開妳我真的痛　妳不知道　妳不知道
為甚麼　為甚麼　要離去
為甚麼　為甚麼　再相遇
哭著　看著妳　離開我
妳看不到　妳聽不到
為甚麼　為甚麼　再相遇
已變成　陌生人

2006-06-09T23:17:00.000+08:00

ok. let's see..i ponned econs on wed..den met sarah to go town. sighs dunno why super no mood..feel damn sick also. haha..oh den we were at cine..den i saw caleb and huiliN! haha..and i told caleb he seemed to have grown shorter..den he was damn shocked..cos his fren's fren said the same thing to him a few days ago too. haha..wahh im looking forward to the 21st!! whee!! hahaa..yupp den yesterday..met lindy..ate..den went her house to study..ok lar..did some econs and bio..but nothing much though..den..today..slacked the entire day lar..damn tired..dunno why also..and tml gotta meet meiyi at like 9am. *fainT*

2006-06-05T22:18:00.000+08:00

ok..ponned gp today. was talking to xin jie last night and she instigated me to pon together with her. oh well. so like woke up at..11+am..then washed up wear uniform go sch for econs. den it's like..argh..really shld've ponned econs too. i mean like..it's dumb lar. sit in classroom go thru all tt crap..and den ended up ppl finish at 5pm i finish at 5.30pm. den gotta go junction 8 muji buy pen for my sis..den went back bp..den go bpp. walk around..buy bread..buy drink. oh well. tml gonna meet zhi shen..dunno go where. stupid boy tell mi go anywhere tt got food. i mean like..yeah everywhere also got food wad -_-". yeah den wed got econs workshop again..it's juz 1 timed prac and den go thru the timed prac. wah seh im contemplating whether to pon tt as well..i mean it's seriously useless. but the thing is after tt gonna go watch movie with weilin..den meet sarah to go walk walk..so like..may as well go sch rite. sighs. better try to do some revision tonight..if i go on like tt mid years confirm fail. it's times like this i wonder what's the point of taking 4 subs. but well..anyway the decision's already made..the money's already paid..die also muz do well in them. otherwise seriously waste $$. anyways, yay! the og outing's set on 21st june! yay gonna meet them again!! it's been sooooooooooo long.

2006-06-05T01:09:00.000+08:00

whee!! went to see sandy's baby girl juz now!! haha..born on fri. like my sis didnt tell mi cos she thought sandy'll tell mi. and sandy thought my sis'll tell mi so she didnt tell mi. so in the end i wasnt informed till yesterday when ah pong send mi the baby girl's photo. haha..forgot her name. anyway she's like sooooooooo cute..den i carried her. for the first time, i carried a baby..haha..
sian..tml gotta go sch for gp..essay timed prac. a hell lot of use it is..and thing is im the rep and i gotta collect assignments tml. sighs. like how nice. yay anyway gonna have og outing soon! haha..and like gonna meet many ppl this hols..haven't started studying anything at all..
hmm..was talking to jason online last night..haha..sorta miss him..i mean like it's been 6 months since i last saw him. then he said he shaved his head! for goodness knows what reason..probably cos it's like summer there now and he feels hot. to think he was complaining that the temp down there's like 28 degrees. i was like ar wth u wanna noe the temp in singapore? -_-" oh well..and he's like mentioning to mi how he's keeping the bear whose t shirt i stitched by his bedside and he sees it everyday -_-" like ok yes im soooo touched. bah. he said he's probably coming back in..july/aug or dec ba..hope he comes back in july/aug..den can meet him together with ian and sher..even though they're both in singapore..the last time i've seen them was like ages and ages ago. think was the sa openhouse this year. haha..awww i miss them!!

2006-05-18T21:09:00.000+08:00

i'm sorrie. i can't. i can pretend everything's alright but that i can't do it.

2006-05-14T15:04:00.000+08:00

for the first time. she realizes that perhaps just because you don't think about it doesn't mean you no longer feel for it. she realizes that perhaps she had been so successful in propelling the memories from her conscious mind that she didn't even feel it. but as expected, it was temporary. after 1 year, it has emerged once again to haunt her. and she wonders. why is it so, when she did not feel anything anymore during all this time? she doesn't know.

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic..don't you think

Chorus:
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought..it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice.."
And isn't it ironic..don't you think

Repeat chorus

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic..don't you think
A little too ironic..and yeah I really do think..

Repeat chorus

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

2006-05-12T00:54:00.000+08:00

街灯绊住我眼前
下一步
拉长的影子
嘲弄的回顾
电话亭仍留着你的话
一句话掉一滴泪
今晚的我会是如何入睡

原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
我不懂得如何更爱你
影子讽刺地跟着我难分难离
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
你收的干净
我也会不留一点痕迹
说故事也要像是真的
可是别触动那些回忆
今夜你说了最后一句
一句话掉一滴泪
看来今晚的我很难入睡

2006-04-30T03:11:00.000+08:00

back from aj dance performance just now. went with caleb, huilin, amar and daniel. joo yeow couldnt make it and li xian had something urgent on last minute. oh well. had a nice time. i miss them so much. started talking about all the times we spent together and everything..haha.
ok so it's like 3.10am and im like sitting in front of the computer doing absolutely nothing. feeling blanked out. spaced out. zoned out. weird feeling. bah.

2006-04-09T02:17:00.000+08:00

"man i ain't change. but i know i ain't the same." - one headlight by wallflowers.
i wish i'm one of those people who knows what i want. what i'm doing. what i'm after. but i guess a lot of times..i just fang bu xia. to concentrate on facts, not feelings works most of the time. but at the end of the day. when it all comes back to you..u're lost. and hollow. i haven't changed. but i'm not the same. a paradox? my vocab sucks. i love to sit on the bus..looking at everything that passes me..watching my thoughts slip away..the worries lost behind me. i wish that can just go on forever.

2006-04-02T14:36:00.000+08:00

napfa on monday! so so so so so dead.

2006-03-17T13:19:00.000+08:00

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr blogspot got problem!!

2006-03-17T12:52:00.000+08:00

suddenly i forgot all about my opendiary until they sent an email to me telling me it's gonna be deactivated if i still do not go and update it. that diary was the 1 i had since i was sec 1..and i sorta stopped writing in it ever since i was sec 3? guess it contained many many parts of my memory. some i just wanna forget about and move on with my life. some are so memorable i don't need it to remember them. but it sort of tracks my growth. and the change in me since i was sec 1. i guess gradually but surely, i've changed a lot. everyone changes. we may not notice it but we do. but what kind of person have i changed into? a better person? a worse person than before? i don't know. and i guess that's not for me to decide.

during the st john camp..it was weird. it's weird seeing all those students around..sec 2.. sec 3.. sec 4. it seems as though they're about my age..but yet the age gap seems so great. the sec 2s weren't even in bp when i graduated. it suddenly occurred to me..i've really grown old. 18 years old seemed to be so far away..something that'll probably happen when i'm close to 80. and those boys are very cute..as in..cute cute not good looking cute. ha. oh well..i miss the life in sec sch..when everything revolved around st john..Os..bpghs. then and now, i knew and know very well that's the place i wanna be, that's the best decision i made in my life that i couldnt be more right about. sitting down there in the canteen..watching the bunch of ill disciplined lethargic campers cheering the bp cheer at the top of their voices..it came back to me all over again. why i loved and still love bp so much.

then i was sms-ing tuan yeow..den like..i started to wonder..what is it that keeps making me go back for st john..even if no one's going back..even if there's nothing much to go back for..nothing much to do. is it really because of the so called passion and commitment? i doubt so. maybe i'm juz looking for something to show my worth. maybe i'm just looking for something i am unable to get in aj. maybe i'm just trying to remind myself that all is not lost, that life is still great. or maybe it's a combination of everything.

6 more months. 6 more months to freedom. to release. to living my life the way i want to. to getting away from loads of crap. to going back to what i always was and what i want. and before the 6 months come..guess i gotta work hard..or else i ain't going anywhere i want, ain't doing anything i want, ain't gonna be whatever i was and want.

2006-02-19T14:05:00.000+08:00

tears: a) drops of the clear salty liquid that is secreted by the lachrymal gland of the eye to lubricate the surface between the eyeball and eyelid and to wash away irritants.
b) profusion of this liquid spilling from the eyes and wetting the cheeks, especially as an expression of emotion.
c) act of weeping.

tears tell a story. tell many stories. stories of joy, hurt, pain, sorrow, disappointment and hope. but what happens when no amount of tears can tell the never ending story of life broken, smeared, distorted, strained and tainted by the vices of life. what happens when all you wish for is something to hold on to, something to count on, but all u get is the never ceasing waves of trauma hitting against you, throwing you off your feet again and again and again. and you wonder. what happened? why you again? will it ever stop? what are you supposed to do? how are u supposed to stand up again, only to be knocked off balance again? you feel like the tears you've shed all your life is enough to drown you. you wish you could just drown. everyday you feel obliged to do the things you don't wanna do. everyday you are forced to stand up on your feet only to be knocked off course. you wonder. is a peaceful life too much to ask for. you wonder. will you really come out of everything stronger than before. or are you actually weaker than before. you wonder. will these wounds ever heal. you wonder. as these thoughts blizzed through your mind, your vision blurred. it becomes more and more fogged. you are scared. afraid that perhaps there will come a day when you can't see where you're going anymore. when you can't see your goal anymore. when you just become blind and stucked. and be swept into those merciless waves, amidst the smirks and laughs of life. sometimes you really wish. you could drown in those tears. at least then, you still did not lose to life.

2006-01-31T18:10:00.000+08:00

yepp..went to sam's house yesterday with meiyi. it was like damn funny. the strap of meiyi's wedges kept slipping down and she started limping after walking for like 2m. hahaha..and i was as usual laughing at her. but the wedges are real pretty though. anyway went to sam's house and i cant believe i forgot that she has a CAT in the house! damn. i got the shock of my life and i was like totally O_O when i saw her cat. mind u her cat's fat. as in really fat larz! and sam said the cat's like 5kg. OMG. ok anyway thank god the cat isn't very affectionate and therefore did not bother to walk around from where it was or come near me, which i probably would've screamed the hell out of me. anyway sam's parents were out and her ocs bro was sleeping. so we went to sam's room..chit chat..went through her yearbook, which makes me wonder WHERE THE HELL IS MY AJC YEARBOOK, and just talked cock. yupp. then..all the while we were waiting for celeste to join us but all 3 of us were certain that she's not gonna come in the end. oh and we started taking photos using my phone as meiyi's intent on exploiting my 2 megapixels camera. so we took like lots and lots of photos..in normal mode..sepia..black and white. she refused to try negative cos we'll end up looking weird. yupp and as forecasted, CELESTE PANG SEH AGAIN. sighs. she's either a century late or pang seh. damn. then we went off at like 6+ cos meiyi gotta go parents' fren's house. yupp.

2006-01-27T23:12:00.000+08:00

boo. chinese new year celebrations. total crap. seriously i don't know why i bothered to go to school. anyway went to school..then went back bp..meet meiyi celeste sam steven yinhao danis mel. went to eat and talk cock at food court in lot 1..hahaz..it was fun..i miss them. monday gonna go visiting! sam's house..my house..meiyi's house..celeste's house..woohoo!! =)

sam meiyi me celeste

2006-01-23T21:02:00.000+08:00

school has been as usual..boring..draggy..piles of homework. but well..that's school life ain't it. chinese new year's coming. the only reason why i'm excited is because we have a 5 day break. woohoo! even though it means more homework..but well..who gives a damn..it's better than going to school. yupp. i'm in love with this song..even though it's old and i've heard it like a million times..

Don't Know How (Not to Love You)
by Uncle Kracker

I can learn to live alone and move on with my life
There's a million things that I can do to occupy my time
I can wake each morning, I can go about my day
I can fumble through my words until I find a few to say
But the hardest thing I've had to do since we've been apart
Is learning how to deal with all this pain inside my heart

(Chorus)
Cause I don't know how
don't know how
don't know how, not to Love you

I don't know how
don't know how
don't know how, not to Love you

I can work all day, or I can hang out every night
I can do the wrong things and pretend that they're alright
I can make beleive that everything is cool
And put on the face that covers up the lies of a fool

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
You said that time would ease the pain
But I still hear your voice whisper my name
Since you've been gone my world stands still
You said I'd forget, but I never will

(Chorus)

I can write a song and make the whole world laugh or cry
I can use some words to paint a vivid picture in your mind
I can use my hands to wipe the dust off this guitar
And let this music that I'm playing take my mind off my heart

(Chorus)
(Bridge Repeated)
(Chorus Repeated 2x)

2006-01-18T23:28:00.000+08:00

ok. for the sake of my one and only avid reader, ms yeow xin jie, i shall update my blog. yes it has been a hectic 2 3 weeks since the start of school. not to mentioned i got drenched in the rain like 3 times yesterday. dashed out of school in the pouring rain because i had dental appointment + st john training. then took a cab from woodlands to teck whye. it stopped raining in woodlands already. so i was thinking cck shouldn't be raining too. FAT HOPE. my dental appointment was at 4.30pm. then the lady at the counter told me i gotta wait for like 1 hour. so i told her i'll come back later. and i dashed from the dental clinic to the lrt station in the rain. so i got drenched again. just when my hair and uniform were almost dry. thanks a lot man. then took bus 300 to bpghs. well..what can i say..it was still raining. so i gotta dash across the road again. anyway, training was ok. didn't really do much. cos it was like raining and raining. looked at the competition teams. and i was busy persuading gerald and stephanie to go for officer course since we desperately need officers and i can see the potential in gerald. anyway, gerald broke his voice. like finally. i got a shock when i spoke to him. and i thought he had sore throat or lost his voice due to orientation. until he told mi he doesn't have sore throat nor did he lose his voice. hahaha..but not bad larz..good..and he's getting taller and taller. sighs. there's pe tomorrow. damn. i'm gonna like reach home at 6+ again. lalala..

new year

2006-01-01T00:39:00.000+08:00

yupp. it's officially 1st jan 2006. all the fuss about a new year..a better year ahead..and all the celebrations. but really..what's the cause? that there's a new beginning or whatever? crap. yeah it's a new year. so what? big deal. life goes on. i'm officially a j2 now. As this year. but so what. why do we really need to celebrate all these occasions and so on? i don't know. maybe because we want to find a reason to let go and do whatever we want and to celebrate. maybe because we are searching so hard for causes of celebration in our lives. maybe because we just want to feel special once in a while. perhaps because i'm in a family who never really gave a damn about all these occasions except chinese new year and even then the celebration was low key that i'm feeling like this. somehow i'm getting this hollow feeling inside me. like..indescribable. everything seems so surreal. guess i'm in one of those cranky moods again. i'm feeling anti social. i'm sick of my father's obsession over my mother's condition. i'm sick of my mother's condition. can't she just take her medicine properly and can't he just quit being so obsessed about her condition. well..fat hope. fat fat hope.
bah. got ocip outing tomorrow. and i'm feeling cranky. nice timing. bah! whether i like it or not..gotta be more enthu tomorrow and smile..laugh..play..talk cock..whatever. >_<

2005-12-31T21:43:00.000+08:00

sometimes people think too much. worry too much. plan too much. try to control too much. but we realize at the end of the day that really whatever happens..there's no pre-emptive measures we can do. all we can do is take things as they come and see what we can do about it. there is no fool-proof plan. guess there are things we know but yet cannot make ourselves do.
going east coast tomorrow..ocip outing..well..hope it'll be fun. now i'm like totally don't give a damn about my hw. whatever.

2005-12-30T22:46:00.000+08:00

u tinted my life with colours of the rainbow.
u captured my heart like a cupid's arrow.
weaving your way into my heart like a river meandering through the mountains
banishing others from my mind like the invasion of a virus

2005-12-30T20:16:00.000+08:00

argh. like wth. i finally have a day off..no st john no nothing and i get so giddy i think im gonna die. went to see the doc. said something about the balancing thing in the brain. so gave mi medicine and went home. sighs. sch reopening soon..i haven't touch my hw..gotta start later..bio and chem..chiong!!!

2005-12-23T18:47:00.000+08:00

why can't u get it? why, after so many years, u still don't get it? when will u start thinking from my point of view? when will u start to think that my ideals, my values, my principles and my thinking matters too..that they are not wrong..that they are no less inferior to yours just because i'm much younger..my feelings and my views are not wrong just because they are different from yours and that you're much older. the fact that you've been through many things doesn't make the things i've been through void and less significant. you have your life and i have mine. stop trying to impose your ideals and your principles into mine. if you haven't realized, i've grown up without you. just because you have your temper and your principles doesn't mean you can just shout at me and dig out all the past histories to justify yourself. because these do not justify yourself. i am no longer the small kid who had to do whatever you please because of your tantrums, your temper and your endless ranting about your logics your rights your experience your everything. you only come to me when he's not there. and you bite around like a mad dog when he's not there. i'm your sis. i'm not the toy you can bite and throw and do whatever shit you want with just because your mood is lousy or you are getting pms. you throw tantrums and your temper like drinking water. and everyone is supposed to do what you want? before you start criticising about how i do not contribute to this family, about how i do not do my chores, about how i am lazy and leave my things around and so on, reflect on yourself. have you ever washed your own clothes? who is the one shouting and throwing her weight around just because things don't go her way? who is the one who woke the entire house up and threw her temper just because of a cockroach and started screaming when father did not try hard to catch it? who is the one who expects the family to be at her beck and call? i'm sick and tired of your shit. you can do whatever you want with your boyfriend. you can neglect everybody else in the entire world except your boyfriend. i don't give a damn. but please do not come back and expect me to be there for you to want to be with you when he is not there. i have my own life. i am not gonna give in to what you want just because you are my sister. i'm sick and tired of how u launch into your lecture about how little i contribute, how irresponsible i am, and your logics and justifications about every shit you throw me. i'm sorry but shouting at me and throwing my things and threatening me and launching into your lectures ain't gonna work. not anymore. i am not gonna give in just because of your rantings and your threats. not anymore. just go away. leave me alone. i know that you are not me. i know that you want the best for me. but when are you gonna realize that what you think is the best and what you think is right may not be the best and may not be right? when are you gonna realize that you do not understand me? that you do not know me? that you never did? and the naked truth is that you never even tried to. you just assumed. you assumed you know me. you assumed that you understand everything i feel. you assumed that what you think is right is right just because you are 9 years older. you don't know me. you never knew me. and it seems like you never will. the point is if you don't even try to understand me, don't even try to impose your principles and all that shit on me. because all it shows is you do not respect me. you do not respect how i feel. you do not respect my views. i've lost count of the number of times you treated my thoughts and feelings with mockery and contempt. i don't need that from my sister. you expect me to respect you when you don't even treat my friends with basic courtesy and mock them just because they do 'stupid stuff' like i do. respect cannot be demanded. it has to be earned. this is something you told me. then practise what you preach. walk your talk. i am not a replacement for your voidness when your boyfriend is not around. it is plain that i only seem to be visible when he is not around. other than that you either continue to throw trantrums at me or simply do not bother. whatever your intentions are behind what you do, it is not gonna make me tolerate all the shit you give me. what comes out the wrong way comes out the wrong way. the intentions do not justify them.
my idea of neat is not the same as yours. just leave me alone. all you told me ever since i came back was to clear my stuff and clear my room and clear my stuff and clear my room. you never ever did ask me how was the trip and how was everything. you never even asked me anything about the trip or how am i or how i felt. all you started to do was to complain about my room and my mess and make me feel like shit. it is not that i wanna go out everyday. i have to accompany my friend becomes she's not gonna come back for 3 years and she's staying with us. and i do not happen to be a heartless piece of shit who will not give a damn about my friend. do you know or try to see how tired i am? do you know that i haven't had a good rest ever since i went there? that no matter how comfortable i am there i wake up once every few hours or once every hour there? that i'm really very tired? stop thinking that i am not tired and i am not permitted to be tired just because i'm not working. stop insisting that you are right. stop insisting that i am not doing what i should be doing. stop insisting that i never tried. all you do is scream and shout and throw and threaten. just stop it. i tried to talk to you..but all you ever do is launch into ur lecture and justifications. i don't need your views. i don't need your logic. i don't need your justifications. i just need you to listen to me and to try to see things from my view..try to know that you do not know me. stop getting so aggressive. stop getting so defensive. i don't need that. all i need is for you to listen and to try to understand certain things. but you don't. if you choose not to..then leave me alone. i'm tired of all this.
maybe it's time you get to know me. but will you even try when you don't even realize that you never did know me and you still don't..?

ocip

2005-12-19T01:43:00.000+08:00

words cannot describe how i felt for the trip and everything. words cannot describe nor do justice to the whole experience in ban nam ree pattana school. the kids made mi realize a lot of things and let mi see wat i cannot in singapore and wat i noe i can never have. it's not only the kids there but the people there. how much they welcomed us like VIPs and tried to do so many things for us and really appreciated us. i guess it is inevitable that eevn though we did not embark on this expedition with the intention of changing their lives or impact the children and the people significantly, deep inside us everyone wishes to be able to accomplish and achieve something noble and remarkable. somehow i feel that our impact will only be temporary and minial, we are just people who went there with hopes of changing lives and building a better place but leave knowing they made more impact in our lives. life goes on without us. what we taught them and brought into their lives are no necessities in their simple and contained life. they dun need to noe english to survive and carry on their lives. we think we are trying to improve their lives but are we really and can we really? and as much as we marvel and praise their innocence, genuinity and 'envy' their simple but contented life, we still choose the innoncence lost, complicated and discontented life we lead.
when i went there, i was uncertain of how life will be. turned out the food was great. the people are great. the kids are so innocent..genuine..lovely..lovable and playful..enthusiastic..and cute. with all the games and songs we introduced..they participate with great enthusiasm and vigour that surprised and shocked us. they plucked tonnes of roses and flowers for us. they became so much a part of my life. the scenery. the school. the people. the cold. the music. i've grown so used to the breathtaking scenery..the teachers..the cold..the worry about the water heater..the laundry we had to do regularly..the cold shivers in the morning..the radio blasting thai songs at 6+am..the rooster..the stray dogs that run away when humans go near..the washing of dishes beside pails..hanging of clothes on ruffia strings..disgustingly dirty socks..removing footwear..screams and shouts in thai..children playing sepak takraw alongside those playing soccer..the metal netted soccer net..queuing for food..rice for every meal..the laughter..the lack of connection to 'civilisation'..the bugs and insects..and so on.
as i stared at the kids during the last few days..i teared. i cant see them again..after i leave. they taught mi so much and made mi realize so much. they are everything i am not and i am everything they are not. they made flower rings..and their voices singing chang chang chang..mon son pa..kayak..and other songs kept ringing thru my head..their smiles kept flashing in my mind..it seems as though they are the teachers and they are teaching mi stuff i never knew. on the pickup to nan airport..as we drove off..as we cheered the nam ree cheer at ban nam ree pattana school for the last time ever..i cried. i cried and cried and cried. as i hear 'i'm on the top of the world looking down on creation and the only explanation i can find. it's the love that i found ever since you've been around. your love puts me at the top of the world' running thru my head..what i feel is indescribable. leaving knowing you'll never go back because you can't is hard. i love them. the people. the place. everything.

Top Of The World
Such a feeling's coming over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won't be surprised if it's a dream
Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It's because you are here
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on the top of the world looking
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
It's the love that I found ever since you've been around
Your love puts me at the top of the world

Something in the wind has learnt my name
And it's telling me that things are not the same
In the leaves of the trees
And the touch of the breeze
There's a pleasing sense of happiness for me
There is only one thing on my mind
When this day is through I hope that I will find
That tomorrow will be
Just the same for you and me
All I need will be mine if you are here

I'm on the top of the world looking
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
It's the love that I found ever since you've been around
Your love puts me at the top of the world

I'm on the top of the world looking
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
It's the love that I found ever since you've been around
Your love puts me at the top of the world

why

2005-11-13T12:28:00.000+08:00

why? what? how? why..?

long time

2005-11-12T19:34:00.000+08:00

it's been quite a while since i felt this feeling. but it's like so dumb. it's not as if it's anything big nor significant. at least, supposedly. but well. see how things go. makes me think of this movie i watched. i forgot what's the title. but i remember it was a hong kong movie..happy ending..and i think louis koo starred in it. haha..oh well.

2005-11-11T02:05:00.000+08:00

bah. turns out a lot of problems came up with the freight. sort of my fault larz. didn't realize the difference between crate and carton. and didn't specify when i want the cargo to arrive and so on. bah. sighs.

so fast

2005-10-19T21:19:00.000+08:00

it's gonna be one year soon. this is a year of changes. fresh new big changes. for better or for worse, only time can tell.

how would u feel

2005-10-13T20:48:00.000+08:00

how would u feel. if u realize a part of ur life that has been fed to u is all but a scam. a scam that worked brilliantly. u refrain urself from congratulating the individual who cooked up the scam and commenting on the ingenuity of it all. but u realize the accused refuses to face up to the consequences of his brilliant scam. thinking of all excuses possible to run away. u hated to be lied to. to be treated like an idiot. most of all, u are unable to forgive. simply because the accused refuses to face it.
how would u feel.

2005-09-28T23:01:00.000+08:00

"sometimes it feels no one understands"
it's not true. because no one understands. no one sees. no one can tell how terrible i feel everyday. no one.
"if you don't say, how can u expect others to know?"
maybe.

2005-09-11T18:42:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: August 13

Being born on the 13th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer, but it may also give you a tendency to dominate people a bit. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious, hard working individual.
Your feeling are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. Your intolerance and insistence on complete accuracy can be irritating to some.

href="What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2005-09-11T18:40:00.001+08:00

Your Birthdate: August 13

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2005-09-11T18:40:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: August 13

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

pursuit in life

2005-09-06T20:04:00.000+08:00

Man's journey in life consists of the constant and continual pursuit of facts, truth, and knowledge of the unknown. we want everything in our lives to be controlled as much as possible in order to feel secured. of course, as much and as hard as we try, we don't always find out what we want to. we cannot control what we cannot control. we develop things and technology to help and attempt to control the uncontrollable. in our life-long pursuit for truth, we are only interested in those that mean something to us. something that mattered. something that makes a difference in our lives. if that something does not matter, we do not bother nor care about it.
so to say, when you realize you no longer care about the truth that you have been searching for for so long nor the credibility of what is or had been told to you, none of it mattered to you anymore. none of it means anything to you anymore. none of it makes a difference anymore.

=)

2005-08-30T21:38:00.000+08:00

it hurts. really.

2005-08-20T00:20:00.001+08:00

one of the worst things one could ever do is to take someone for granted.
one of the worst feelings one could ever experience is to be taken for granted.
one of the worst effects of being taken for granted is to feel both xin tong and tong xin.
one of the worst realizations is knowing why.
one of the worst reasons why knowing the reason is bad is knowing it shouldn't be so.
going school tomorrow..for overseas cip meeting. i really don't feel like going. got to wake up early..and wear school uniform..and play stupid games. the games are real stupid. and the best guy there is now gone..cos the expedition date clashes with his SAT date. sigh. tough luck huh. i still don't have much feelings for the people there. will we ever bond together? i don't know. i hope so. i wonder how will planning be. when will planning start. maybe tomorrow. maybe next saturday. got to start doing all my work and revising tomorrow. that's what miss yap said. oh well..i can't stand clement ong's lectures. they suck. he can't lecture. i realized. and i'm getting worried about all my subjects. i don't understand chemistry. i don't know integration..much less transformation of curves. i am not sure of economics concepts and content. and i need to hand in EoM on monday. i haven't started. oh well. PW sucks.

it hurts.

2005-08-17T20:08:00.000+08:00

arghhh..it hurts. so so so so so much. that i can't sleep. i can't eat. the hurt's all i think about. damn my braces! went to the dentist. waited for 1 hour. chose the colour..went in..and he told me cannot choose colour. must chain my teeth together. i was like oh ok. who knows..when i got home..my teeth started hurting. argh. and it was hurting the hell out of me the entire night. now..porridge is my best friend. woohoo! i love porridge. oh well..talked to miss yap yesterday..yeah..guess i have to start working hard..if i want to get what i want. yup. and i must must must work hard. everyday..i pass by cck and wonder. wonder wonder wonder. oh well.

2005-08-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

it's my birthday now!! 12+ am le!! hahaz..got a new pair of sneakers from sandy and alphon..hahaz..so nice of them. oh and alphon bought mi 1 pig too. den went to eat with syek yi, chin thin, xin jie and huiting. yup.

have u ever

2005-08-08T20:53:00.000+08:00

the one thing i wish i told u. but time's gone out the window, crossed the rooftops, runaway.

fuck it.

2005-08-05T21:18:00.000+08:00

what is left to say. was then that i realize the one decision i've never been more wrong about. nothing's gonna change that fact.

I GOT IN

2005-08-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

YAY! I GOT IN! I GOT IN THE OVERSEAS CIP TO NAN!! WOOHOO!

SHOOT THEM!!

2005-08-01T21:43:00.000+08:00

*BANG* *SHOOT* *BANG BANG BANG*

bad mood

2005-07-30T18:44:00.000+08:00

yeah. been in a bad mood. or rather..short tempered and irritated and touchy and so on. needless to say, the bio test, the econs work, and the way those idiots behaved and how everything is becoming made mi feel worse. argh. oh well..there are some things that is just..dumb. yeah anyway shan't bother about it. whether or not i feel unhappy about it. getting my work done and studying for the damned test is more important. and also, maybe it doesn't matter if i'm not going back bp next wed. maybe it's for the better.

402 bbq

2005-07-24T10:23:00.000+08:00

hahaz..the bbq was kinda leng chang..not a lot of people turned up. only 5 girls. hmmz..so we sat there and chat. didn't really eat much. the old times of talking nonsense and exploding in laughter at things yi shin and jeremy say are back. oh man. i miss this kinda class. i miss this kinda people. because even in s51..such people exists. oh well. then celeste came down! hehez..yup. took some photos. then we started telling a few ghost stories. syek yi was too scared to go home and sleep by herself so she came over my house. yup.

celeste and me! =)

celeste me xinjie and karla..xin jie and karla look so sweet again~

karla and me

karla with marshmallows~

me and xin jie..aww she looks so sweet!

smile~

2005-07-21T22:34:00.000+08:00

somebody shoot me.

bpghs 45th anniversary

2005-07-17T18:58:00.000+08:00

oh man. have i ever said i love bp? i really do. it was so nice looking at all the alumni again..looking at the presentation..looking at all the people and the place i'm so familiar with even though i come back every week. but i got to fall down -_-" yeah i'm clumsy. and it's so nice taking photos with everybody..talking about last time..mr meah..mdm eu..vlee..*sigH*
i am proud to be from bp! bp bp u are number 1!

2005-07-15T20:30:00.000+08:00

i hate my class. yes i hate my class. i can't stand the way every single time we go for pe, the episode repeats. no one wanting to play any game at all. joanna damn sick and tired of asking what do we wanna play. when we eventually decide on something everybody still sits down there as if nothing happened. then some idiots will continue to laugh, giggle, and gossip. some will continue whining about how they wanna play badminton. when we eventually down to playing, there will be people whining about how they wanna be in the same group. then they go on to stand there and talk and giggle. squealing and giggling begins as the 'game' proceeds. do we have to repeat this every single pe lesson for the rest of the year? i have never met such a class. back in bp. back in sa. even back in primary school. damn it. and how about standing there blocking and holding up the traffic giggling and laughing, refusing to move in, just because they don't wanna sit with a certain somebody?
and about the guys in my class. oh i mean the non-females. there's only 1 question in my mind everytime i think about them. are they not guys or are they not guys? they do NOT have the decency to help girls carry heavy stuff. whenever we need people to set up the OHP or get the screen down or set up equipment, despite calls for guys to stand up and do it, they sit down there talking among themselves, simply ignoring us and refusing to do anything about it. as if they are not guys. oh i forgot. they are NOT guys. yeah and today. somebody had to climb up the table to adjust the projector. we called for the guys AGAIN. and nobody did anything. they sat down there as if nobody called them and talked and laughed and simply REFUSED to do anything about it. in the end alison did it. what the hell? i am so utterly disgusted with them. even eleanor was looking at us with the look of extreme disgust and disdain. and even my primary 1 male classmates can do better than that. and joel dares to say he doesn't care. of course he doesn't care. all he's concerned about is his results anyway.
what the hell is wrong? is it because of this school? or is it my subject combi? or is it simply MY CLASS? i know guys in ajc are NOT like that. the guys in other classes are fine. so what the hell is the problem with non-females in my class?! damn it. all we have are some attitude problem idiots. i don't give a damn if this is offensive. cause it's the truth.

2005-07-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

integration: the process of calculating the integral of
integral: expressed in terms of integers
differentiation's confusing enough. integration sucks. damn it. and whatever we do, be it differentiation or integration, trigonometry simply won't leave us alone. i wanna drop math!!!!!!!

2005-07-09T19:58:00.000+08:00

yesterday was speech day. kinda waste of time. but it was nice seeing so many people again..in our different uniforms. and it was nice getting together again, looking at the school together, talking like we used to, talking not like the way we used to. took lots of photos too. it was karla's birthday party today. many people from njc went. so we were kinda like outcasts. again. pariah. but her family..especially her parents..were soooooooooo sweet. even the elder of the younger brothers. it was nice. she looked really pretty. seeing all these nj people only makes me think of ky. i don't know. we used to have so much to chat about, talking crap and nonsense and everything. but ever since then, we don't chat anymore. it seemed like there was just nothing much to say anymore. the once ever-flowing fountain just stopped. there isn't any water supply. why? because the water dried up as it was allowed to? because the water was drained off? because the fountain is spoilt? because the water supply was switched off? or the answer's as simple as 'it simply stopped.'?*sigH*

jason's farewell party

2005-07-03T23:54:00.000+08:00

ok so we went to ian's house for jason's farewell party. supposed to be a surprise but we met jason on the way and he expected it too. yup then we felt super extra there yeah. kinda became antisocial and took some photos. not many people went. yup.

2005-07-02T21:51:00.000+08:00

i can't believe my luck. i waited for a bus for 1hour. only 5 came. and ALL WERE FULL. i ended up walking to the interchange to get another bus. and it's the 190 that comes 'frequently'. oh well. i was damn pissed. lindy can testify for that. ok anyway, went to cut my hair. and lindy cut hers too. but she cut at the salon she usually goes to me and me too. so i waited for her then she waited for me. and it was funny cause lindy kept telling the hairdresser i wanna cut her style but i do NOT want to. and she started talking nonsense. hahaz. then while my hair was being blown,
hairdresser: why u don't wanna cut ur hair? it's ok. very layered but a bit out of shape
lindy: har?! i just cut like 5 minutes ago
hairdresser: *eyes popping ouT* u just cut 5 minutes ago?!
lindy: yeah
hairdressers: *laughinG* the hairdresser's skills very good. cut liao look like never cut
*laughterS*
anyway, i like my hair! =)

2005-07-02T00:46:00.000+08:00

hmmz..gonna go cut hair tomorrow with lindy. then sunday going ian's house. monday should be going out with celeste. yup. was watching this talkshow or something like that about learning chinese. seriously i don't get why is it so hard for chinese to learn their own language. they complain about having to memorize and nothing else and so on. u telling me u don't have to memorize content of other subjects? they say they apply the content. u telling me u don't apply chinese? all nonsense. those things the two girls say. about being more respected if you're english speaking, about how we don't have to do business with chinese if we can't speak chinese, about how chinese is so hard to learn, about how chinese culture is not relevant and everything. they are a disgrace. they fail to even appreciate their own culture and take pride in their own language. and they are so proud of it. the education system has made it seem like english is everything and chinese is not even relevant. just look at the requirements for university admission. D7 for AO Chinese? that's a fail. we are neither here nor there. we try so hard to be 'english', cool and everything and imitate the caucasians but we are not good in english, unable to appreciate and take pride in our own culture and language. what does that make us? ultimately, we are still chinese. no matter how the trend goes or what we prefer, we are still chinese.

2005-06-30T18:56:00.000+08:00

tomorrow's bio for me. yup. the only person in the entire school. oh well. got to read up on bio later. later. so today i got pangseh-ed by 3 groups of people. 2 are repeat offenders. what can i say except that i'm pissed. pissed. pissed. to the max. just realized haven't been taking photos. hahaz. somehow i find taking photos fun. mixing too much with hann and joanna.

for the first time in my life

2005-06-28T18:30:00.000+08:00

hahaz. ok. today's econs and math. what can i say. i ended up not knowing what i'm writing for my econs essay because i had not enough time. drq was ok. but there are questions i can't answer. mcq. same. but i DAMN HATE the fact that they just refused to give us the 3 papers and let us do within the 2 hour time limit. what's the problem. i managed to finish my drq and mcq ahead of time and i didn't have enough time for essay. nice of them. ok. next. math. for the first time in my life. doing a test of 65 marks. i am actually counting the amount of marks i may get and hoping i can pass. *pray and pray DAMN HARD that i passeD* sigh. tomorrow's chemistry. i gonna stay up and study all night. i don't wanna do badly. i want at least a B. sigh. but seems far away now.

2005-06-26T22:03:00.000+08:00

no more fever. but whole body still aching. tired. slept the whole day. not gonna go school tomorrow.

fever

2005-06-25T20:14:00.000+08:00

yesterday: 37.3 degrees.
this morning: 37.9 degrees.
this afternoon: 38.5 degrees.
back from doctor: 39.2 degrees.
ahaha..qing2 liu2..what's it in english? influenza or something? anyway it's a virus not bacteria. so the antibiotic's to attempt to suppress the virus. damn sian. the doctor thought i got dengue fever..ask me if got rashes. anyway..got mc for monday..but i'll see if i wanna go school. i hate taking tests or exams after everybody. the feeling super sian. got 4 medicine. cough. flu. fever. antibiotics. he say the fever may persist till sunday. then i should consider if wanna buy the..viral medicine or something? he say expensive. oh man. this fever sucks. can't really open my eyes ever since yesterday morning cos it's teary. still. den my nose is a little better. oh well.

friday

2005-06-24T19:21:00.000+08:00

ok let's see. it's friday now. yup. 3 more days to returning to school. *sigH* i've been slacking the past 3 days. oh well. the 'mid years' is just like..1/3 of the 20% that's in my promos? somehow i feel cheated. the school makes it like it's an oh-so-important-exam when actually it's just a not-so-significant common test. oh well. i WILL revise my chemistry and math later. after i have my dinner. yup. i'm sick. damn it. my body was aching all over last night. and felt very warm and all. so went off to bed. woke up today with blocked nose. felt like it's stuff with cotton wool or something. except it's warm and slimy. yuck. ok anyway started sneezing and sniffing nonstop. my eyes became ultra sensitive, as usual, and started tearing ever since i woke up. it's STILL tearing. looking at bright stuff hurts. i don't wanna open my eyes just wanna close them and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. argh. i'm still sneezing. and it's running. and my parents would probably say serves me right for having late nights, eating loads of junk food, not eating enough veggie and fruits, blah blah blah blah blah. BAH. alright blame it on myself.
argh i miss joyce. i haven't seen her for like such a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooong loooooooooooooooooooooooong time. i haven't talked to her for such a looooooooooooooooooong loooooooooooooooooooooong time. argh. oh yeah and last night i chat with woon lan for the first time in...so many months. hahaz..then he was like looking at my display picture and asked me 'which one is u?' i nearly bashed him up. the last time i saw him was like..when i was sec 3 or something. somewhere there. i didn't change THAT much that he can't even tell which is joanna and which is me! i will NOT let him off the next time i see him. hmph.

2005-06-20T01:18:00.000+08:00

fri: met up with jason and ian. yup. and caleb joined us later. hahaz..it was not bad larz. i continued being mean to jason. hahaha..oh well. just too bad. anyway he's real childish. sometimes really can't stand him. ok most of the time. hahaz..but well. what to do. anyway meetng up with them made me find out that there's someone who likes ian. ahah..nobody told me before. oh well. hahaz it was nice going out with them larz. anyway i insisted i don't wanna watch movie cos i'm broke. well i AM. and ian don't wanna waste $$ too. but he has NO excuse to say he's broke cos his allowance is twice mine. hmph. can't stand it. anyway went back home. then sandy wanna watch a lot like love too. midnight show. since my sis's going out anyway, told my parents i go watch with sis. then went town meet sandy and alphon. hahaz..the show was nice~ i like! hahaz

sat: i slacked at home. slacked slacked slacked. but slept real late though. like 4+? hahaz..don't know why couldn't sleep.

sun: i slacked too. did a bit of chem. reading through my bio now and chatting with ed. oh well. anyway og lunch's cancelled. also good larz. don't feel like going out. lazy. btw mel, what you mean this skin is so me? hahaz. oh well..don't know what i'm doing. stupid wel. supposed to go study with me today. ended up say he not free. and tomorrow celeste's not free too. damn sianz. i stay at home will only end up sleeping. hahaz. i'm so piggish. and i'm getting fat at the way i'm eating and sleeping and slacking and lazing around. wei kang was saying he changed a lot. i guess he did. the way he talks to me seems different now. christianity. it's amazing what faith can do to people.

some things

2005-06-16T19:06:00.000+08:00

alright..met up with lindy today. hahaz..i miss her so much!! she's still the same as ever. it was nice. i've always liked talking to her. oh well anyway..there are sometimes..some things..you just know? ar. never mind. today went yishun park. hahaz..it was nice. the kids..i mean they were not very obedient..don't listen to instructions..don't wanna do this don't wanna do that. oh and my entire group..6 people..only 1 turned up. hahaz..so in the end i joined another group..that group only had 4 kids. but 2 of them were very mischeivous. so like starting i kinda a bit anti social..only talk a bit with hairul. while sheng long was kept busy with wee chau and darren with kelvin. doven was kinda anti social..refused to talk much everything. hahaz then ok so i must be enthu and talk more and interact more and so on. so like..i talked more with them and yeah. kelvin was very not cooperative. running everywhere..refusing to play or listen to us and so on. it was very tiring and so on keeping up with him trying to get him to cooperate. well anyway..he fell down. sigh. so..i cleaned his wound with the..limited stuff i had..and put like 3 plasters over. cos he wanted it -_-" hahaz..very cute larz he. then like..it kept dropping off and i kept putting it on again. cos it was on his elbow. so like we continued playing other games..gradually they warmed up to us. yup. then..kelvin kept wanting to play at the playground. then he went and sort of fell down again. so i had to clean his wound. it was quite bad..his big toe..the skin in front of the nail juz came off. then..i had to get the torn skin up and pour water over. yeah it hurt a lot. but he very brave. i really think so. yup then i had to cut the torn skin away. otherwise it'll trap dirt. thank god there's alcohol swap. yup then i put plaster all over his big toe. hahaz..actually it was very fun larz. kelvin is a very cute and active boy..the other kids also very nice and fun. yup then weilin and i gave out the sweets we bought..oh man everyone is so greedy. hahaha..INCLUDING the volunteers. see sweets as if see gold. hahaz.
yup then wee chau was kinda sweet. he offered me sweets. i was standing in front of me then he called me. i asked him why? then he give me sweet. awwwww..so sweet. yup then we walked back to the care centre. kelvin was like holding my hand and so on. hahaz..so cute right? *swooNS* but it's hard controlling him larz..but he became more obedient compared to the beginning. he insisted on darren carrying him and me carrying him. haha but in the end of cos we didn't. yup..then roland was like why u wearing SAJC?! i was like cos i was from sajc for first 3 months..then aaron and him treated me like dustbin -_-" alright never mind. i'm a nice girl. hahahz..yup. oh btw aaron looks like zhengda. he really does. i had fun today. really. starting was more awkward than i expected. but this turned out better than i expected. it was really nice. =)

out with meiyi

2005-06-13T21:20:00.000+08:00

hehez. went out with meiyi today. it was nice. hahhaz..cos i'm finally going out with someone who actually shops instead of walking past every shop without wanting to go in. hahahz..it's nice to see her again..miss her so much. told her everything that edwin and nigel told me..hahah..think she's gonna scold them the next time she sees them. she bought a pair of jeans. the auntie was super enthu in selling her stuff..keep telling meiyi she should buy 2 pairs..that i should buy too. oh and she thought meiyi was 13 years old. ahaha..meiyi was like so '........'. yup yup then we walked around everything. then we went to watch 'my boyfriend is type B'. haha..nice show! so funny..ok meiyi stop making fun of me alright. it's not nice. oh and she bought shades. somehow..time passes very fast when i'm with her. suddenly it's like 6+pm. hahaz..hmm..certain stuff she said made me think a lot of my decisions and choices and everything. but i must always tell myself everything has 2 sides to it. everything happens for a reason. the grass is always greener on the other side. yup. and oh we met sherlynn, lu ling and..kenneth. haha. ok i don't know lu ling and kenneth. just know who they are. sherlynn wanna get away from them cause she's being a gooseberry. oh well..hahaz. and i saw bryan and hui lin too. oh well..keep bumping into sa ppl today huh.
tomorrow is official mugging day for me. i'm gonna mug mug mug mug mug. i'm starting to panic looking at the amount of things i have to study =S

2005-06-11T19:15:00.000+08:00

ok i got flu again. great. just when i'm happy how about i seldom get flu except in the morning when i wake up. last night started sneezing and sneezing. den this morning too. all the way till now. the whole day i was teary-eyed and red-nosed. and i realized it's cause of the burning of incense paper. yeah. it's ALWAYS like that. why the hell am i allergic to smoke? alright. anyway today had pw meeting. kinda pathetic cause gek han's in chalet, joleen's in mongolia and hann yee's sick. so the meeting was attended by, yes, me and may ping. hahaz. i met johnny. he was laughing at how pathetic we are -_-" *bisH* oh and i saw lim fei. hahahaz..it's been a long time since i last saw him. kinda miss his presence. and johnny..well..he's still like last time. i miss sa all over again. hahaz. alright today's meeting WAS constructive! yay! woohoO! we managed to set down all the standards and so on and change some stuff. yup. and hann yee said we should test them out one day. ok so we shall. and chatted with may ping. oh well she's really kinda hip. hahahz..but she's a nice girl. but chatting with her made me realize how fake some people are. and i'm kinda surprised to find out certain stuff. yup.
wanted to go meet celeste after that but she's going swimming and after that go with her family to suntec. so..i shall meet her after her camp. sigh. i'll miss her. haha..sometimes i wonder why we meet up so often. bah. doesn't matter. and oh well..sometimes things happen when u least expect it and when you are not hoping for it to. and yet when u hope things happen..they don't. what can i say. oh and i got a crush on my friend. ahaha..but well..i know ultimately it will just be a crush and nothing will ever happen. yup. just for fun anyway. i miss erni..i really do..i miss her smile..and the way she always gets pissed with our class for not listening to her when she talks. hahahz..i miss 402.
anyway yesterday chee told me he had high fever and hallucinated. he thought he had an elder sis. hahaha..oh well..maybe i should start doing some maths later. TRIGO!!! i must tell myself i love trigo. and after such a long time..finally chatted with dom. oh well..he's still the same. as crappy as ever. think i will be down to watch their national comp. yup yup. oh and i think i'm gonna just leave school straight on 8th july to go back bpghs. don't give a damn about gp. just get my class to lie that i didn't go school on that day since i need to reach bpghs by 3pm.

2005-06-10T21:18:00.000+08:00

what can i say. woke up in the morning. attempted to make dumplings before leaving to go school take my gp test paper. oh well. i got 28/50. what can i say. went and photocopy the guidelines for the class. late to meet pamela. by a lot. then rushed back to bp to meet nigel and edwin. and there my mugging starts. call it mugging? not really. ended up chatting and chatting again. ha. again..i really wished i never ever went to aj. not cos of the school though.
anyway. what goes around comes around. is it really true? ha.

2005-06-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

ok. went to sch in the morning for chem. den like..left school..couldn't meet yu zhuang cos she didn't pick up my call. went to meet sam and we went to eat. then we went to kallang mrt to meet hannyee to go national stadium to do the interview. we were running late and we took a cab. AND THE DAMNED CAB DRIVER DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET FROM THE MRT TO CARPARK C. if u don't know your way, simple. DON'T BE A TAXI DRIVER. we kinda went around in circles and he made us pay $5 for it. oh. he gave us a discount of erm..20 cents? damn it. i do not happen to have a lot of $$. argh. who knows. maybe he's just pretending. then we managed to get to the..medicine and whatever research centre? oh then we waited like erm..half an hour for the director. yeah. makes such great sense that we toook a cab huh. and then..ok he's kinda long winded..so the interview lasted over 1 hour. yeah. for what reason..i don't know. so turns out we need A LOT of modification. great. nvm. so we proceeded to take a bus back to kallang. and we went to the wrong bus stop. cos we asked this bus driver. so we went opposite and took the bus. and oh. we ended up in BEDOK. yeah. nice one. and then me and sam had to go bugis. so we went there. nvm. we kinda couldn't get to where we wanna go. and then before we left we finally found the way. but no we had to go. so we reached tiong bahru mrt station. we proceeded to take the bus. we were late for the show. so the bus took a DAMN LONG time to come. then we boarded. after like 5mins sam was like hey it's not the way the bus should be going. she went to ask the bus uncle. guess what? yes. correct. we got on the bus at the wrong bus stop. should be the one opposite. we ran and ran. couldn't get a cab. so we ran further. then this taxi IGNORED US when we thought it's gonna stop. there was NO PASSENGER neither was it HIRED OR ON CALL. damn the taxi driver. finally we got a cab and got to great world city. and the lift was kinda taking it's own sweet time too and we ran up the escalators to the cinema, where her friends were waiting. we went in. NO SEATS. so each of us sat alone. and the 2 females on my left were laughing their heads off at EVERYTHING and DAMN LOUD. argh. what a nice day.
alright. sam's friends are nice and friendly. one's called gareth and the other is..i don't know what's his name. argh. nice day.

2005-06-05T20:44:00.000+08:00

phew. had a busy and packed week. argh. tml go sch. tues go sch. meet sam. go national stadium interview ssc. go watch movie with sam. wed..? dunno. i wanna sleep at home..no. i muz study. hahahah i muz transform into mugger mode. reminds mi of natt back in sa at lt3 during..bio lecture. he started telling us not to disturb us he's in 'study mode'. den we started laughing and talking cock. he joined in. den i was like 'weren't u supposed to be in study mode?' den he stunned. paused. 'oh yeah. *shhH* don't disturb mi! i'm in study mode.' hahaha..he's always so cute.

i dun care

2005-05-31T18:52:00.000+08:00

i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.
i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.
i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.
i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.
i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.
i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care i don't care.
tell me i don't care.
tell me it doesn't matter.
tell me i don't care.
it all went very well last friday.
whatever happened now.
whatever happened after sunday.
bah.
i don't care.
i don't.
but i just can't stop thinking about it now.
damn it.
just saw the sms from xu da. 'i'm xu da. sorry for not saying goodbye. i really have had a very good time in class 17. thank all of you, and goodbye! :)' i feel so damn bad. we knew he was living. nobody cared. nobody bothered to send him off. nobody bothered to prepare a farewell gift for him. he never did talk to us much. he never did interact with us much. but he's a nice guy. i've talked to him a couple of times before. asked him about his family, china, and his plans for the future. maybe because his english isn't fluent, u can't really make out what he's saying sometimes and the fact that he's so quiet, he's so contented with the way the class is treating him. maybe. maybe not. even if he showed it the class would probably be oblivious to it. i'ts no use crying over split milk. but why. why do we treat him like this? because he does not fit in? i don't know. makes me wonder. at the end of my 2 years in anderson junior college. will it be like this? maybe. maybe not. it's the same thing with ms sim. we dread her lessons everyday. and suddenly she just comes and tells us she's resigning. i felt so lost suddenly. even at her very last lesson, maybe she's the only one who really feels sad. apparently, no one in my class really cared much.

reason: we were too preoccupied with spa.

class bbq

2005-05-30T18:34:00.000+08:00

ok..so went to east coast yesterday for the class bbq thing. was raining cats and dogs before and when i had to leave house. met joanna, hann, shiwei and cali first before going. kinda got a shock when i went there cos like class 10, 20, 14 were there? it was then that we decided not to stay at all. hahaz..so like..starting it was super boring. me, hann, shiwei, cali and hui qian stayed up in the room and talked cock and lamed around. took a lot of photos and all. hahaz..it was damn lame and funny larz. then later we went down to help with bbq..didn't really help much or eat much. yup. then went for a walk with weilin, then joanna. i also don't really know what to say. then later many people were up in the room..khairul hongyi joel jasmine weilin alison joanna. so i went up also. then started playing blackjack with them and all. hann and shiwei and cali came up..then started playing truth or dare. was kinda awkward at 2 points in time. but well..forget it. then started talking abt love lives and all. till it was 10+ and we had to leave. hahaz..then hann, shiwei, joanna and cali came my house..we took a cab..had to beg the taxi drvier to take us 5 in..then it was damn fast..cost me $12.80. but well my father's paying anyway. went to 7-11 to buy some food first. then came my house and we bathed and all. started talking and laughing a lot..as usual. hahahz..then joanna, hann and shiwei kept falling asleep. cali also. all except me. -_-" so like we slept at 3+ 4+ this morning woke up at 8+ 9+. wah seh i'm like soooooooo tired. but they are not. -_-" then went to bpp to eat mac with them..walk walk..they bought accessories..i didn't. hahaz..then took lrt with them to cck..i went to lot 1..borrowed books and all. couldn't find the pencil i wanted.
sighs. going to the bbq isn't good. for the past few days it has been nice cos i can put everything behind..away. even on the last day of school. but yesterday..no..i can't. cos it's just all happening in front of me..so obvious to see. i don't wanna go back to school.

2005-05-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

it's holidays! hahaz..but i don't feel excited at all. except for the fact that i don't need to wake up sooooooo early anymore to go school and look at what i don't wanna look at. yesterday was ok. kinda tired. just that i was extremely dumb. ran to the bus stop for fear of missing the bus. then 190 came. so i started replying jason's sms. the next moment i looked up, i realized that everyone who boards 187 are gone and i watched as the 187 zoomed past me just like that. i was totally *stunneD* and just stared. then it occurred to me. IT'S THE LAST BUS. i was like shit. how how how. then i realized the only way out is to hail a cab. so i went to hail a cab. the first cab..HIRED. the second cab had no passengers in it but it totally IGNORED ME. shit the cab driver. i was gonna call a cab when a third cab came and to my relief, stopped for me. so went to school..went junction 8 to eat with hann, calista, joanna and shi wei. den went town to meet alison (sa) and natt..hahaz..i miss them!!! then went jurong to meet sandy..den went lot 1 to find celeste..hahaz..i felt ostracised. anyway..finally got to talk to ed yesterday..hahaz..he's going NS soon..how time flies~

2005-05-20T22:53:00.000+08:00

woohoo! no more tests!! at least till the holidays end. hahaz..and there's long weekend!! ahaha. gonna sleep my day away tomorrow. i don't care if it's not constructive, not productive or whatever crap. i'm so tired. alighted from 187 so sleepily. then walked to 7-11 to buy chocs..hahaz..was about to open the door den sensed people behind me. turned and saw john and joseph. then they laughed at me. hahaz..yeah then went to mrt..den on the escalator john asked if i just woke up. hahaz..den laugh at me again. celeste told me joseph went and tell her about it, say i very funny, and even demonstrated to her. -_-"anyway went to watch the badminton match. omg. the spirit of anderson junior college is SO STRONG. *pukE* disgusting. then i found myself support acjc. and i saw 2 cute guys!! ahaha..no i mean 3. hahaha.
think sunday gonna go mug with celeste..tomorrow slack..monday do gp and then maybe go out gai gai. i need some life. actually..thinking about everything now, i feel so fortunate. yup.

2005-05-15T21:08:00.000+08:00

just wanna say: i love all of u. hahaz..everyone who listened to me go on and on and stuff that doesn't even concern them. yup. it's biology test tomorrow. i'm so sick of looking at my bio notes. anyway i've grown numb to seeing them. it doesn't feel so bad anymore. after monday..i can regain my freedom. hahaha..but i know tomorrow i got to go home and finish my bio essay..and finish my maths tutorials. well..at least i've finished my econs drq and chemistry tutorial. i don't exactly have that much to do. i finally realized why is it that i dislike aj so much. that i wished i never went there. but i must still believe that everything happens for a reason. and actually..frederick can be very nice. hahaz..yeah if he reads this he's gonna tell me to stop it. tomorrow is another day of school, another start of a week, and maybe another start of my mood swings. guess tomorrow i'll have test till like 6+pm..reach home at 7+..start doing my work and forget about watching the 7.30pm show and 9pm show. NO. i must remember. it's sheldon's birthday tomorrow. guess i won't get to meet him but maybe i should go get something for him and give him when i meet in during the holidays? hahaz..i'll see how. and it's edwin's birthday on tues! argh..i MUST get something for him. but i'm so busy..and i'm kinda broke. *wondering if i should do it..*

2005-05-14T18:00:00.000+08:00

alright. here i am studying bio. getting sick of it. woke up early today..forced myself to get back to sleep..woke up at 10am. bah. whatever. can't get to sleep. then just after i finished my prawn mee..got sleepy and i just plopped on the sofa and fell asleep. couldn't bring myself to get up till like after 2 hours. hahaz..so much for waking up early huh. took my bio notes. and guess what. i realized ajc's cell structure INCLUDES microscopy. damn. i hate hate hate hate hate hate that. with the stupid resolution and micrometre millimetre nanometre and all that crap. thought i got rid of it after the test in sa. plasmodesmata. yeah and i got to link it to why mammals need a coordinated nerve system and all that..simply because animal cells do not have plasmodesmata. why is it that plant cells are so independent and animal cells are like..without this without that. therefore we need homeostasis..nervous system..and so on..? bah. crapping again. that's so not gonna make me enjoy learning about plants more.
got to finish up my gpp and econs drq and bio ESSAYS later on. guess i really got to wake up early tomorrow to pia bio..i'm so damn scared of the essay question larz. well..*prays harD*

2005-05-14T00:23:00.000+08:00

i couldn't tell you why she felt that way..she felt it everyday..i couldn't help her..i just watched her make the same mistakes again..what's wrong what's wrong now..too many too many problems..don't know where she belongs..where she belongs..she wants to go home..but nobody's home..that's where she lies broken inside..with no place to go..no place to go to dry her eyes broken inside..open your eyes and look outside find the reason why..you've been rejected..and now you can't find what you've left behind..be strong be strong now..too many too many problems..don't know where she belongs..where she belongs..she wants to go home..but nobody's home..that's where she lies broken inside..with no place to go..no place to go to dry her eyes broken inside..her feeling she hides..her dreams she can't find..she's losing her mind..she's fallen behind..she can't find her place..she's losing her faith..she's fallen from grace..she's all over the place..she wants to go home but nobody's home..that's where she lies broken inside..with no place to go..no place to go to dry her eyes broken inside..she's lost inside..lost inside..she's lost inside..lost inside..

2005-05-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

yeah. so my tests were screwed. went back sa today. it felt so good being back where i used to be. yeah but i had to look so out of place with my grey and blue uniform while the entire sch's wearing white and blue. it feels so sad seeing all my frens..in sa uniform and so on. this is where i am supposed to be. wat the hell am i doing in ajc. oh well. i even miss the way manas calls my name..with tt kinda pitch and dragging it. hai~
thurs got bio spa. think im gonna screw tt up also. finally crapped out my PI. gonna hand it in tml and see how. bah. pw sucks. big time. and chinese compo sucks too. well actually come to think of it. wat doesnt?
if only wishes could be dreams and all my dreams could come true. if only. bah. gonna go back to doing my chinese compo now.

life sucks.

2005-05-07T17:43:00.000+08:00

*speechlesS*
i. really. am. speechless. i tried what i could. but there's no answer. no solution. i still don't know
what. the. hell. happened.
haiz. i need to know. i want to know. what. is. wrong. denying isn't gonna work when it's obvious that it's just plain denial. it's a total change. it is definitely not a matter of just-don't-feel-like-talking. it's avoidance. and this sucks. a. lot. i hate this.
tell. me. why.
*blanK* *speechlesS*

2005-05-05T19:22:00.000+08:00

yes. today was my napfa. and this is the worst napfa i ever had. oh man..for the first time in my life i didn't get an A for sit and reach..and all the rest were like C and D. *fainT*. and i realized my 2.4 missed B by 3secs. haha..well..doesn't matter. and the more i think abt the maths and econs test on monday i damn scared. and den i juz realized that SPA is next week. and argh..i forgot almost everything about all the stupid bio experiments. argh. been too absorbed in other stuff lately. it's time i orientate back to my studies. i've also been feeding mosquitoes in my room lately. in the middle of the night i always get bitten and wake up scratching away. argh. my number 1 enemy in my entire life is mosquitoes. and well..aj vball lost..when ser kun sms-ed me and told me..for some reason i really very sad. haiz. and ser chuan didn't get to play at all. what am i supposed to say. haiz. i finally met selina at the mrt station this morning..and i finally met celeste today. hahaz..i missed her so much. told her about everything that's happened that i did not tell her. sort of feels better. unknowingly..we have become such close friends. i love celeste. hahaz..and joanna sms-ed me..so sweet of her. hahaz..yup i'll always remember that. and today's maths tutorial just sent me a message loud and clear. i do not understand nor know how to do trigonometry. which is like such a long and big chapter. basically it only means 1 thing. i'm so so so dead. yeah gotta go bathe and start mugging soon..finish up all my tutorials and then..guess what? start on my revisioN!! hahaz..i don't intend to slack my J1 life away. and anyway..i realized i really like ms chua a lot. hahaz..she's so nice and so cute..somehow she's just like another mdm eu..well at least she's the closest to it that i have ever been able to find. i like her. and mr yong is like mr meah. *dotX* it's not a good thing. sherilyn tan is unlike any bio teacher i've seen..well considering my entire 4 years of sec sch life i've been facing angeline wong as my science (in lower sec) and bio teacher. leaving sa has made me found a bunch of good friends and somewhere i do not worry about fitting in. well..everything happens for a reason. i believe in that.

2005-05-04T19:28:00.000+08:00

and so it was another day of school. another day of lectures and tutorials. oh well..i like lectures more than tutorial. u just got to sit there and listen and copy notes. full stop. hahaz..yeah i'm lazy. guess i haven't been looking too happy nowadays..well at least i look happier today yeah..that's a good sign. ha..again..saw things i don't wanna see. but..oh well. u can't get what u want all the time yeah. went for interact..for the first time. it was boring..and sort of disorganized. hahaz..well anyway i probably won't be going for it anymore till st john has another break yeah. there's the volleyball match between aj and hc tomorrow. haiz..i wanna go watch. i really want to..even though alison and ser chuan is in hc and i really want aj to win. it will be a nice match i guess. but i can't go..since my lessons end at 4.15pm. *sigH* and there's napfa tomorrow. 5 items. oh well..i don't know why i just can't do sit ups when EVERYONE gets an A for sit ups without sweat. and i can't do inclined pull up. and standing broad jump. well basically i can't really do anything except sit-and-reach. hahaz..guess i'm just not a sports person yeah.
hmm..i really wish what calista said is true..yes because i don't like to hear negative things..well who does anyway. haven't been meeting selina at the mrt station..she's always late. hahaz..well i hope she's on time tomorrow..i don't like going to school alone..makes me feel so alone..and i like talking to her. hahaz..i sort of got used to her being around. for some reason..i'm kinda tired today..better sleep earlier later..and i must go and do my PI this weekend. argh. my idea rejected. and i never really found the energy to go start on my new PI. argh..i miss celeste. somehow she has become so much a part of my life..hahaz. oh well..i must be even happier tomorrow!

2005-05-03T14:22:00.000+08:00

haiz..thinking of the 2 tests on monday makes me feel like dying..econs and maths..how dead can i be. anyway..decided i'll just let it go and see what happens. it's not within my control. even though i don't know what happened..what did i do. i wanna know why. but i know i will never find out. after the gathering on sunday..i really feel that s51 rocks. hahaz..so many people turned up. and even though we didn't exactly do anything constructive..it still feels so nice. i hope we have one more gathering soon..when we are not so busy. yesterday jieying came to ask me..to consider organizing an outing during the june hols. oh well..it's not that i don't wanna organize. it's just so difficult. i don't know where to go what to do and so on. and then end up they complain it's so boring. -_-" well..see how things go. joo yeow's meeting valmond on friday..oh well i won't be meeting them cos..they gonna go play pool. and i don't like to. hahaz. well..gotta go sleep soon..there's school tomorrow. gotta face what i gotta face.

2005-05-02T00:21:00.000+08:00

hahaz..today got s51 class gathering!! hahaz..went to ian's house. so happy!! saw all of them again..and so many ppl went..really very happy..went home very happy..took photos and all. hehez..but den again..i'm still troubled..and things aren't looking good. *sigH* so many things to say. and whatever i'm hearing and seeing just tells me things are not good. oh well..it always turns out like that. i'm not surprised if it happens again this time. i wanna know the truth yet i just wanna hear positive stuff. and what i'm hearing isn't positive. baH. whatever.

2005-04-30T18:03:00.000+08:00

maybe the reason why i don't know is, as kok wei says, i don't want to know. when he asked me 'u dunno or u dun wanna noe?', suddenly it feels all too familiar. it is the exact same question i always ask sandy..and i forgot who else. weird huh. hahaz..i don't wanna think about it but yet at the same time i keep thinking about it. and for this time..only alison and kok wei knows about it. hahaz..for some reason i only told the both of them. i didn't even tell sarah. had a bad day in school yesterday. everything just feels so bad. actually..it's true. perhaps i do know. i just don't want to know. which is why my answer is always i don't know. and..talking so little to alison yesterday just tells me one thing. alison is the one person out of so many i know who really really understands me so well that whatever i do or say..most of the time he knows almost exactly what i'm thinking or feeling. which is kinda irritating most of the time cause he ALWAYS teases me or talks nonsense. again, not for the first time, i'm so glad i knew him. he's probably gonna leave some stupid tag talking crap again when he reads this. but i guess as irritating as he gets..knowing that he knows me well makes me feel better. hahaz..